On a distant porch swing a million years ago, I met the man of my dreams.
Okay, it wasn’t distant, it was right here in Cassville and it was a little less than a million years ago. Tall, handsome, and so funny! In fact, the first time we met he jokingly accused my tiny size six self of breaking the porch swing I was sitting on.
I wouldn’t recommend this as a pickup line, but it worked! I still remember how I felt; excited, alive, interested, happy and beautiful. Now, 25 years later our love has morphed into a beautiful partnership. But what is it that sets off that “ah ha” moment? How do we know we’re in love?
Just listen to your body. There’s actually a bit of science behind love. When we first become “smitten” with another person, our body produces dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. These are our “happy hormones,” the ones antidepressants work to increase.
It’s no wonder falling in love is so beautiful and easy; it places our body in a chemically happy state. Awwww, that feels nice. This is why we may feel drawn to someone else when first meeting them.
This brings up the idea of love at first sight. Is it real? Your body certainly thinks so. The rush of happy hormones to your brain tells you this is love.
So now you’re “crushing” (I have teenagers; please forgive my lingo). You start to spend more time together, producing more happy hormones and reinforcing love. But what about after that initial sixmonth “honeymoon period?”
As you spend more time with someone special, a mix of physical touch and positive social cues (ie: now I have someone to go out with, go to dinner with, spend quality time with) cause your brain to release oxytocin. This is a really interesting hormone; it’s the hormone that stimulates labor in a pregnant woman. It also assists in milk let down and lactation, allowing the mother to gaze lovingly at the newborn that just wreaked havoc on her body.
That’s powerful stuff. Oxytocin helps to form long term bonds. Now you aren’t crushing, you’re now “chronically in love.” Sounds like a medical condition, but what a beautiful spot to find yourself in.
The real question is why don’t we stay in love forever? Some do, some don’t. Just as love causes our bodies to make happy hormones, stress causes us to form fight or flight hormones such as epinephrine and norepinephrine.
Our bodies react to stress for us for survival. If the bear is coming for you, you need the energy to run away. That means there’s no energy to stop and hug someone or to be in love. The love hormones start to drop as the stress hormones increase.
There’s no time for dating, no time to talk and the feeling starts to decrease. What a hard spot to be in, living in a world fueled by stress.
I propose the secret to chronic love is continued interactions that increase your happy hormones. Learn something new together. Take a dance class. Go to a concert. Go to dinner. Do something completely different with your partner that throws you out of fight or flight.
Take a moment to be present with your partner and just feel each other. Take a deep breath, slow your breathing down, and realize that your love never left. It was only hiding behind stress and anxiety.
Dr. Lisa Roark is the owner of Roark Family Health and Medical Spa. She may be reached at 417-847-1111.
