I am a firm believer that whoever coined the term “No use crying over spilled milk” spent little to no time with children, because if they had, I truly think the phrase would have been “Crying over spilled milk is completely understandable.”
We’ve all been there — A fun day at the park, a visit to grandma’s house, or a 5th birthday party completely derailed by the tears of a child. The real ones. Not the big crocodile tears that can be chased away with minimal effort leaving a few tear-stained spots on their favorite dinosaur shirt.
No, these are the tears that bubble up out of the child’s eye with no warning, and certainly no off switch. The kind of tears that seem to be infinite, and have you wondering how in the world someone so small can have so much expendable water in their body, and will eventually have you wondering if you should just sit down beside them and open the floodgates yourself.
Though outbursts like this are normal for a child’s development it doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave us adults wondering “What in the world?” After all, children have a pretty easy gig in this thing called life. Right? No taxes, no open enrollment, no extended car warranties, no 9-5 jobs, no mortgage.
“What is there to cry about?” It’s very easy to ask this question as an adult who has to worry about all the “hard stuff.” But that’s just it, children don’t have the hard stuff. Things that may seem trivial to us as adults may seemingly alter the rotation of the earth for a child.
“Leveling” with a child about all the hard things you completed during your day when they are having a tearful outburst is not likely to put the issue they are crying about into perspective. After all, they haven’t experienced the things you are referencing, making your reasoning a moot point.
As stressful as your day may have been with intense meetings at work, car trouble, or unexpected expenses, the same pit-in-yourstomach feeling may plague your child after they have misplaced their favorite toy, had a substitute teacher or had soccer practice they weren’t anticipating.
Try to put yourself into the perspective of a child, it shouldn’t be too hard, after all, if you’re reading this, there’s a 100 percent chance you’re a former child. Before the lens of adulthood is placed over your eyes, the things that are of increasing importance are the things you can control.
Children have so many things dictated to them in their lives. Think of all the decisions that are made for a child each day.
Each day when a child is awoken, be it by an alarm clock or a parent, the time is chosen for them by an adult. As was the time they went to bed the night before, the dinner they ate, the things they will learn at school, the way they will get home from school, among other things. As children, they don’t have the capacity nor forethought to sufficiently make these decisions for themselves, which is why they need adults in their lives to steward and guide them.
However, because there are so few things that children are truly in charge of, those few things are of paramount importance to them. With things of great importance come great emotions. I feel that as adults we have so many things on our plate, that it is impossible to give large amounts of energy to everything that is under our charge, however, children have the same amount or even more energy to devote to fewer things, making each thing they are in charge of have a high emotional value.
So as an adult when the boat rocks, we often weather the storm, whereas for a child it capsizes and then sinks the boat entirely.
When children are born, it’s not like they are given the “lite” version of emotions. They get the full gambit. Their belts are full of tools that they quite frankly have no idea how to work yet. Additionally, emotions for children often compound to the point that they are running from a giant ball of feelings, much like when Indiana Jones outran the boulder in Raiders of The Lost Ark. However, children don’t often outrun their emotional boulder; instead, they are bowled over and overcome with an abundance of emotion.
While a sock not fitting correctly, a friend being unkind, or being out of peanut butter when it’s time to pack their lunch may seem a non-issue for you as an adult, when combined with other things throughout the day of a tiny human being may be enough to derail the emotional train completely and start the waterworks.
Next time the ever-flowing tears start to flood your household try to take a different approach. As an adult, take time to listen to the child. Don’t just hear them, but listen. Allow them to feel their feelings, don’t try to squelch or repress the way they feel.
Ask them to share with you what is bothering them, and when they tell you, no matter how menial or trivial it may seem to your adult mind, remember that their world has come to a screeching halt, and they need to you understand why, accept why, and be patient until the Earth realigns itself and begins spinning on its axis once more.
Drake Thomas is a behavior intervention specialist at the Cassville school district and is a Cassville High School graduate. He may be reached at dthomas@ cassville.k12.mo.us.
